Place my bets any day
by sharkinterviewee
Summary: "Man, you picked the wrong guy to kidnap," Peter said, shaking his head with a smirk as blood dripped from the corner of his mouth. "My wife's 7 months pregnant and very overprotective. You should just let me go. She's gotten a bit sadistic with her overprotectiveness lately, so this won't end well for you. It'll be easier if you let me go. She might actually let you live then."


This isn't Peter's first time being tied to a chair and lightly tortured. You could say he had some experience with this.

Yeah, being _that_ guy getting pummeled by a group of dicks who had an unfair advantage of being able to use their hands was, well, familiar to him.

He'd just consider this some light torture though. He'd been in this situation and actually tortured, and it was a lot harder to make quips when they got down to breaking things to extract information. Just getting beat up and questioned by these guys was a cakewalk. But much less tasty.

"Man, you picked the wrong guy to kidnap," Peter said, shaking his head with a smirk as blood dripped from the corner of his mouth. "My wife's seven months pregnant. It'll be easier if you just let me go now."

"Sounds like we picked the right guy to kidnap," one of them remarked with a sick and twisted grin (that really just looked forced and cliche, like he had taken all the bad guy 101 courses online and still failed the 'how to smile menacingly' lesson). "You're turning out to be a better hostage than we thought."

Peter just shook his head with a chuckle. "Oh, I feel so bad for you guys."

"The only one you should feel bad for is yourself," the yellow one said, clearly the one most bothered by Peter's back talk (he made a mental note to direct most of his insults towards him from that point on, because Peter Quill was definitely that guy who purposely pissed his captors off while bleeding and tied to a chair).

"You have no idea who you're dealing with."

"Yeah, some star-loser with a smart mouth," Smilie followed that with a punch to the face, which, in hindsight, Peter probably should have been expecting.

Instead, his head snapped back from the force, and the ache in his jaw reminded him of why antagonizing the people holding you hostage wasn't always the smart thing to do. But since when did he do the smart thing?

Peter spit the blood out of his mouth, aiming for the pair of boots standing closest to him, but his vision was swimming and his aim was a little off, so he missed and just hit dirt. "I'm not talking about myself, you asshole. I'm talking about my wife. I'm _trying_ to do you a favor. She's gotten a bit over protective of me now that she's pregnant, so this won't end well for you. If she wasn't pregnant she'd probably kill you all immediately, but she's gotten a bit sadistic in her over protectiveness lately. It's really for your best interest that you let me go right now. She might actually let you live then."

All five of them started laughing like that was the funniest thing they'd ever heard, which, let's just say, was statistically improbable. It was a big galaxy, and even though Peter considered himself a pretty funny person, odds were that at least one of them had heard something funnier than he could come up with. It wasn't even a joke, but they'd be figuring that out for themselves soon enough.

"Is that the only one you think is coming for you?" Pointy teeth asked, clearly amused. "You really think a pregnant woman has a chance against five trained killers?"

"Oh, I'd put my money on a daughter of Thanos any day, pregnant or not," Peter told them (hey, it was times like these when name dropping that dick really worked in the Guardian's favor).

The yellow one barked out a laugh (now that Peter was thinking about it, he was really more dandelion colored).

"This fool's telling stories! You almost had us there, until you added the unbelievable daughter of Thanos bit," he admitted, though from the sharp look his buddies sent him, they didn't appreciate him speaking for the whole group and saying Peter almost had them. "That's the most unbelievable thing I've ever heard. If you'd ever possibly managed to impregnate a daughter of Thanos, you'd be first on her hit list, not us. Do you even know who Thanos's daughters are? They'd kill you before you got within 10 feet of them, and skin you alive with a single knife. Fool."

He was still chuckling and mocking Peter when the barn door swung open, and all heads whipped towards the doorway.

That Gamora was now standing in.

She scanned the room, her eyes quickly finding and landing on Peter, tied up, and he offered her a cheery grin.

"Gamora," one of the men whispered.

"Daughter of Thanos," came from two other hushed voices.

At least they recognized her- someone they shouldn't screw around with. This was gonna be over quickly.

"You lied! You said your pregnant wife was coming!" One of the hostage takers accused him.

"Yeah, and she's about to kick all y'all's asses. I told you you should've just let me go," Peter shrugged.

Before anyone could react, Gamora had already pulled out her blaster and shot four of the five men in under two seconds.

The one standing next to Peter (dandelion guy) looked back and forth between them utterly frightened before he got a blaster hole delivered straight to the chest, absolutely no mercy. The last kidnapper fell with a dying gurgle and joined the other bodies on the ground.

"Hey babe!" Peter grinned as Gamora made her way to him, stepping over the bodies she'd just dropped to get to her idiot husband tied to a chair. Honestly, she couldn't even take one measly nap without him getting kidnapped.

(The rest of the team offered to come pick Peter up with her once they'd figured out where he was, but Gamora just brushed them off with a completely unconcerned "I'm pregnant, not an invalid. And you guys are the ones who got him lost in the first place. I'll be right back. This won't take long.")

"Are you hurt? Where did they hurt you?" She asked in concern, feeling around for any injuries before going to work on the rope he was tied with. She could see dried blood at the corner of his mouth, and flecks on his face and shirt, but thankfully Peter didn't look anything more than a little roughed up.

"I'm fine, mostly my face is a little sore. That was super awesome, you bustin' in like a superhero though. So cool. _My hero_ ," he said the last part saccharine sweet, like an actor in a romantic comedy about to swoon, and Gamora chuckled in spite of herself.

"Come on, Star-lord. Let's get you home."


End file.
